Wicked State
by seaofwakingdreams
Summary: An X men or Harry Potter type crossover into my own twisted mind. What if a boy, who believed 'powers' were real, had used his not for good...and couldn't control it. Lucian, sent to a school for those like him, deals with his sordid past.


"No."

One word whispered in a near dark room laced with every emotion held by the young man who said it. Disbelief, shock, agony, anger, and most of all guilt. A deep, over-riding sense of guilt that blocked almost everything else out. One lamp lit the old burgundy walls and papers ruffled by a door hastily slammed shut.

Lucian wished he could simply escape into his fantasy novels like he used to. Surrounding himself with fantastical powers that he had almost believed could be true.

_Well_, he thought, _now I know the truth_.

He shook his head in disgust, his brown hair obscuring his face from view. Thoughts of the year past filled his mind. The girl who had come into his world and changed it in so many ways. She'd brought a sense of happiness to his life that had been missing since his mother had died. And he, some monster of a human being. He couldn't believe, through all the years he'd been reading of mythical abilities, how much he had longed for one himself. Yet, once he realized the truth about them, how much he wished to have never known of them.

"It's all my fault." Again, whispered words clung to the dark air poisoning it as they warped the young man's mind.

The red haired girl filled his thoughts again. He couldn't help remembering their first meeting. She had been running late to their first chemistry class and bolted through the doors a split second before the bell rang. The only chair available had been next to Lucian, and when he realized this, he dropped his gaze to the books sitting in front of him. However, as he would continue to learn throughout their future friendship, she was never one to shy away from new people.

_"Hi! My name is Rae. I guess I'll be sitting next to you for this class. And your name is...?" The outgoing girl smiled when he finally looked up.  
"Lucian."_  
That was the beginning of a fast friendship between the desperately shy boy and the rambunctious girl. They spent their days in class working together and talking about general things concerning their lives. Rae learned from Lucian that his mother died when he was young, and could guess from how he talked of her that the subject was still a sore spot for him. Lucian also learned that Rae's own mother had died not too long ago, and she was still quite hurt from it since it was rather sudden and took her family by surprise. Over a few months, they grew fairly close.  
_"Hey Rae, can you pass me that bottle of water?"  
"Sure." Rae picked up the bottle and handed it over to Lucian._

_However, as she was letting go of the bottle Lucian's fingers briefly touched hers and her eyes shot upward to his face. They both blushed deeply and went back to their work, ignoring the fire in their cheeks that simply wouldn't go away. It took a few weeks for something to happen between the two, but finally Rae, being the more forward of the pair, cornered Lucian on the topic._

_"Lucian, we can't ignore this forever. I know I like you, and I'm pretty sure that you like me, since you blush as bright as a firecracker any time I smile at you… so out with it already." Rae, after pointedly sighing at the now blushing Lucian, grabbed his hand and entwined her fingers in his. They spent the rest of the afternoon discussing how they didn't want anything to disrupt their friendship, but wanted to give themselves a shot at being a couple._

Lucian, sitting on the edge of his bed, shook his head to brush away the memories of Rae. His girlfriend, his love, his Rae. He was ashamed of himself, but couldn't help the next memory from taking over his thoughts.

_Rae was sitting next to him, staring into his eyes, and blinking out the rain that continued to pour down her forehead even though they were taking shelter under a tree. He remembered with fondness, what happened next. She, like her usual self, took him by complete surprise and kissed him. He had never been kissed before, so he was still in a slight state of shock when she began speaking._

_"Lucian, I haven't felt this safe in ages. I know… I just know that you'd never do anything to hurt me, and I just need to let you know how much I appreciate that in you. You can't begin to imagine how hurt I've been since my mother…. Actually, you're probably one of the few people who can understand that. But I know that with you I won't feel that hurt as much any more, because you understand."_

Lucian, sitting on his bed still, rubbed at his stinging eyes. He had wanted to tell her then, but just couldn't. He wanted to tell her that he was just a monster, but couldn't bring himself to cause her pain then. She had seemed so…at peace. However, the memory of his personal darkness was soon to follow, and he lost himself in it.

_He was 13 at the time, running as fast as he could away from his house. His father had just been screaming at him again, blaming him for his mother's death. Something in him had snapped and the next thing he knew he was standing in one corner of the room staring at his father lying at an odd angle at the floor. All he knew was that he had something to do with his father's pained expression, and ran out the door. Now alone with his thoughts and feelings, he ran down the narrowing road in the dim light. There was a storm coming and rain was already beginning to trickle down from the sky. _

_Lucian paid no attention to the weather, however. All he was concerned with was his father. He had been so scared that it really was his fault for his mother's death, like his father often said, but he was even more frightened about what his father would do once Lucian returned. He was mad beyond belief and just wished that he could escape into his world of fantasy he loved. Wishing he could leave this world and join some heroic team of beings with powers, and that he could somehow have an ability himself. Nevertheless, he was simply mad. At the world and at himself. Just as his emotions were hitting their peak, he thrust his hands outward, as if to rid himself of any further feeling, and there was a bright flash of light with an almost deafening sound ringing in his ears. A telephone pole a little farther down the street started tilting toward the ground. A car, oblivious to the poles destination continued onward down the road._

"_No!" Lucian screamed and started running toward to car._

_It was too late, though, and his second scream died on his lips as another bright flash, orange this time, overtook his sight as the falling pole collided with the small car. He stared in horror, and then looked at his own hands in disbelief._

"_Did I…?"_

_Later, when the ambulance was pulling away from the scene he learned that the woman who was driving the car was killed on impact from the falling pole._

Lucian continued to stare at the wall across from him. The next memory that overtook his mind made him close his eyes, to keep the tears at bay. This one his freshest, as it was only from a few hours ago.

_Lucian had been looking for Rae for some time, since they were supposed to have lunch together. He searched in the usual places, the library and outside, and then returned to her room to see if she had come back without his notice. Her door, oddly enough, was open just a crack. He knocked, hoping that it was just her returning that had opened the door. No one answered, so he put away his concern for invading her privacy, concern for her safety over-ruling it anyway, and walked into her room. He looked around, but didn't see anything out of place from the last time he had been there. Then he saw a book laying open on her bed that he hadn't noticed at first. Walking over to it, he realized it was her diary and began to turn away when a word caught his attention. _

"_Mom."_

_He couldn't help himself from reading further, since Rae hardly ever spoke of her mother._

"_I still can't believe mom is gone. I never even had a chance to say goodbye. I really wish I could have. Just one last chance to tell her I love her. The police said that she was driving home from work like usual, on the stretch of road surrounded by trees that I liked so much when we she would take me to work. They said that she was killed instantly, which I guess is a good thing. She didn't even know it was coming, which makes me feel a little better. They still, as far as they've told me, aren't quite sure how the telephone pole managed to fall like that. They said they'd tell us as soon as they know. I'm not sure if I want to know, really….It just hurts too much."_

_At that point, Lucian stopped reading. He knew, from previous discussions with Rae, that they had lived near each other, prior to each being sent to their school. The similarity of the two events was shocking. After a short moment of denial, Lucian knew why. Rae's mother had been driving the car when he lost control. It was his fault Rae lost her mother. His fault she was in such pain. He had been the one to hurt her._

Lucian, unable to control them any longer, let the tears flow down his face. He suddenly stood up with purpose, his mind set on one thing. Walking over to his desk, he took out a spare piece of paper and a pen. He spent a few moments quickly writing down a note he was leaving, addressed to Rae. After he was finished there, he walked quickly to the bathroom where he kept his razor. Spending another few moments taking the blade out of its plastic holder, he walked back to his bed and sat down.

"I'm so sorry…I won't let me hurt you any longer."

A few hours later, there was a knock on his door.

"Lucian, are you in there?"

Rae was outside his door, looking worried. When he didn't answer her, and she knew he couldn't be anywhere else—she had looked, she opened his door, stepped in, and almost screamed.

Lucian was sitting, propped up against his pillows, with his eyes closed. Two pools of crimson stained his ivory bed sheets under his wrists. The blade that he had removed from his razor earlier sat to the side of his still fingers. On each wrist lay a jagged vertical gash with even darker crimson streaks leading away.

"Oh no… Lucian!"

Rae ran to his side, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him, trying to get him to respond. When she finally realized he wouldn't, tears fell freely from her eyes.

"Why? Why would you do this?" She asked.

Rae was answered a moment later when she spotted the note Lucian had written for her, with her name at the top. Grabbing it, her eyes poured over the words, not really taking them in. She calmed herself, and then started at the beginning.

_Rae,_

_I'm so sorry to leave you like this. I owe you an explanation, of course, for what I'm about to do. Please read this, I need you to know, even though you'll hate me for what I've done._

_When I was younger, I read fantasy books constantly. I wished I could be just like the main characters. The one's who had amazing powers and used them for good, to help people. I never really, no matter how much I wanted it to be true, thought that powers like those existed. I was wrong._

_One night, my father was blaming me, again, for my mothers' death. He almost had me convinced, too. I couldn't stand it. I was so angry; I didn't know what I was doing. The next thing I knew he was laying across the floor, hurt. I had to get away. So I did. I ran. I couldn't calm myself down, though. The next thing I knew, I was doing it again. I couldn't control myself. I was on the same road your mother died on, the same night. I released everything I had been holding inside on that pole. I'm what made it fall. I don't know how I did it, but I know it had to have been me. I'm so sorry, Rae. I never saw her car coming. I couldn't stop it. It was too late. There was a bright flash and the pole was falling. I didn't have the strength to stop it. I couldn't be a good guy, like in all those books I used to read. It was my fault the pole hit your mother's car. My fault she died._

_I read in your journal what happened, which is how I know. I'm sorry to have betrayed your privacy like that. Even sorrier to have hurt you so badly. You said you knew I could never hurt you. I hate it, but you're wrong. I've hurt you worse than anyone else has. I can't stand that thought. That's why I have to do this. Why I'm saying goodbye. I can't let myself hurt anyone else. Especially you._

_Yours forever,_

_Lucian._

Rae put the paper down slowly and looked at Lucian's body with tears streaming down her face. The tears fell heavier now, as she realized how troubled Lucian really had been. She was having a hard time putting her thoughts together. She was in a state of denial, not allowing herself to truly process the situation. He believed he had been the cause of her mothers' death, attributing the bright flash of light to his supposed supernatural powers. Powers he had wanted so badly to believe in, and had eventually, although under the worst possible case. He believed himself evil because he thought he caused the flash and the pole to fall.

Rae shook her head in horror and said, "It was lightning…It was only lightning."


End file.
